Runnin' On Empty

"If sunbeams were weapons of war, we would have had solar energy centuries ago.”
-Sir George Porter-

It is undeniable the emphasis today's society has put on energy conservation. Websites, books, rallies, billboards, promotions. All of these have been used as mediums to communcate the need for energy conservation. But how effective is the message that is being sent? It would be one thing for me to want others to conserve energy. It is another thing altogether to conserve energy myself. I pose this question.

How much energy is being used each day to promote the conservation of energy?

It seems to me that if there is a problem with energy consumption that the solution would be to use less energy. Adding rallies and billboards and books and websites, all of which consume energy, seem to me would add to the amount of energy consumed. By definition it takes less trees to print one book about war than it does to print one book about war and one about conserving energy because the former is contained within the later. It begs the question. Do you want to use less energy or do you want others to use less energy?

You may be wondering what has brought this about. The past few weeks I have had a workload of an unusual size for myself. I have been going and going without stop. It makes me uneasy to see the amount of work I am accomplishing not because of the accomplishment itself but because of the energy consumption that accomplishment represents. For the past week or two I have been trying to slow down. I have been telling myself I need to relax, I need to take a break and I have been unable to take one. I have tried and tried to stop spending energy without success. This has caused my nervousness to increase and with it my efforts to stop working so hard. And then it hit me. The reason I am feeling this way is because I am spending so much energy trying to force myself to conserve energy. Why am I wasting energy fighting against myself? I literally have been walking around using my energy to complain about the fact that I am using so much energy. I trust you see the flaw in this logic.

Do not get me wrong, I am not trying to say that energy should be wasted. Energy is meant to be used but it is meant to be used wisely to maximize efficiency. Truth be told I am tired, I have been using too much energy. I do need to maximize my effectiveness and efficiency. Right now in my life trying to get myself to stop wasting energy has become the biggest energy consumer and so it is the first I will cut off. No longer will I waste energy trying to stop wasting energy. Instead I will conserve it by not using it to fight against itself. Should the rest of the world follow suit? You tell me.

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Mantling the Burden of Responsibility

As many of you know, I am currently attending school at The Salvation Army College for Officer Training or CFOT. I have made it no secret that I have some issues with the Army. Its established systems have been somewhat of a headache for me. They have created barriers in ministry and have often times been a stumbling block in my own relationship with God. It might be said of me that I am somewhat of a “free spirit”, which seems to clash with the whole chain of command/ following orders idea. So why am I here? If this atmosphere is so against my nature what would motivate me to put myself through this? That seems to be the unanswerable question. My hope today is to shed some light on the issue.

First of all I would like to lay down some foundation; specifically the perspective from which this thought process originates and this is it: I found out a long time ago that when God tells you to do something you better do it. Coming from that position when I was called to officership I had to obey. But obedience does not necessarily constitute acceptance. I don’t have time for God, not with all these extra things thrown on my plate. I can’t hope to maintain in this environment and still make time for the ministry God has called me to. I am not fit to lead a people who have been nothing but a burden in my life. It is too much for God to ask. But is this what He has asked of me?

In Exodus the LORD give Moses the Law and the design for the Tabernacle. Along with the design for the Tabernacle are given the priestly garments, one of which is the ephod. It is within the arena of the ephod where this my Jacob’s wrestling match takes place.

The ephod was a vest-like garment that the high priest wore. It bore two stones with the names of the tribes of Israel. It was a reminder to the priest that he stood before God not on his behalf, but on behalf of the entire nation. That realization alone is enough to drive a man to his knees.

In a similar way the Salvation Army tunic is a constant reminder of just exactly what it is God has asked of me. Every day that I wake up it is a burden I put on in acceptance of that responsibility, not because of anything I am capable of, for I know I am not, but because I have faith that God will use me to carry out his will even when I am not. The burden forces me into a place where I can do nothing but rely on God. It pushes me deeper into my Lord than I could ever hope to press on my own. And that is why, though I do not like it, accept all it stand for or even think it looks presentable, I choose every day to wear the Salvation Army uniform and all that comes with it.


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The Death of a Transparent Man

So I am sitting here starting thoughts with contractions, thumbing through the idea of Internet blogging and wondering how I ever got sucked into this vortex. How did I ever end up back in this place? Haven't we gone through this before? Don't we know how this is going to end? Does the past not speak for itself? These things never work. Nobody reads them. At best it becomes a safe outlet for my thoughts where no one can find them unless explicitly directed. At worst, time’s lethal injection. My life really isn't that exciting people. I should know I live with it every day.

And yet I am here, pushing out another one. It’s as if I am still-birthing a blog. Maybe that is why I am here; to mourn the loss. And yet in the center of death is the very place where life begins. Like a phoenix from the ashes, so too rises man from the grave. For can a seed bear fruit if it does not first find its resting place in the ground? Is not the acceptance of death the very prophet which ushers in life? And so it begins with the death of the transparent man.